Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
