hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
