Apparently you make a good broom.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
