What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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