Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
