Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm too high and old for this...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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