i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That accounts for only three of the penises
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
