Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
