i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
