just tell him i said nine months
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
