You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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