he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
