I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
