smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
