i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm too high and old for this...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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