we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
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the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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