Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
