Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
