and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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