we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
