Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
