My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
