I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.