hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.