I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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