Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
