I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
