Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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