you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
