My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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