Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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