the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
