just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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