I think I won the penis lottery.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
