Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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