I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
