Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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