I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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