Yo dont text me then not text me
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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