so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We have so much sex to catch up on
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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