Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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