Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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