burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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