I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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