I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
