It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats