I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
