oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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