She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I love having hate sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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