Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
