You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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