my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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