i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
