Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
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Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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