I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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