i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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