My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
